TODAYS HUMOR

A woman's dictionary

-Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

-Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

-Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

-Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

-Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

-Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

-Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

-Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

-Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

-Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

-Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

-Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

-Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

-Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

-Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

-Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

-Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

-Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card