Posts
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Dumbest Criminals
Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hide in one.
A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack.
'Meow!' says the a convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, 'Stupid cats.
'He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, 'Woof!'
'Stupid dogs!' says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack.
The policeman kicks it, nothing,
so he kicks it again and the last convict says, 'Potato potato!'
A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack.
'Meow!' says the a convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, 'Stupid cats.
'He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, 'Woof!'
'Stupid dogs!' says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack.
The policeman kicks it, nothing,
so he kicks it again and the last convict says, 'Potato potato!'
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Pro's To Getting Old
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.}
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.}
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
DOCTOR HUMOR
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist"
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist"
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Relationship Humor
Nothing Cooking Tonight
This man walks into the kitchen, looks at his wife and says "My God, your ass is getting as big as a barbeque". That night they are in bed and he is getting frisky. She turns to him and says "If you think that I am going to fire up the barbeque for one little wiener, then you're crazy".
This man walks into the kitchen, looks at his wife and says "My God, your ass is getting as big as a barbeque". That night they are in bed and he is getting frisky. She turns to him and says "If you think that I am going to fire up the barbeque for one little wiener, then you're crazy".
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Have A Laugh
IM HAVING A BABY!
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
TODAYS JOKE
A Fathers Wisdom
A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"
A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"
Friday, March 12, 2010
TODAYS HUMOR
A woman's dictionary
-Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
-Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
-Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
-Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
-Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
-Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
-Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
-Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
-Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
-Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
-Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
-Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
-Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
-Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
-Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
-Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
-Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
-Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
-Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
-Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
-Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
-Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
-Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
-Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
-Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
-Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
-Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
-Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
-Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
-Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
-Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
-Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
-Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
-Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
-Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
-Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
TODAYS HUMOR
-Thirsty In The Desert
Three men were traveling through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. He told the men, " You may each slide down, asking for whatever will quench your thirst most, and it will that drink will be waiting at the bottom."
The first guy slide's down yelling, "BEERR!!!" And he lands in a glass of his favorite ale.
The second guy slides down yelling, "LEMONADEE!!!" And lands in lemonade.
The third guy slides down yelling, "WHEEEEEE!!!"...
-He should have paid attention. Remember that as you go about your day. No one wants to land in "whee".
Three men were traveling through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. He told the men, " You may each slide down, asking for whatever will quench your thirst most, and it will that drink will be waiting at the bottom."
The first guy slide's down yelling, "BEERR!!!" And he lands in a glass of his favorite ale.
The second guy slides down yelling, "LEMONADEE!!!" And lands in lemonade.
The third guy slides down yelling, "WHEEEEEE!!!"...
-He should have paid attention. Remember that as you go about your day. No one wants to land in "whee".
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